How Do Friends Fall In Love With Each Other?
There is definitely more than what you think.
A slow-burn romance between two best friends is the perfect Hollywood cliché — just right after the opposites attract paradigm. My interest in this romcom sub-category wasn’t so chasmic until a realization hit me. The world brims with couples like Harry and Sally. I sat with that thought for a while before I decided to dedicate an entire night of research on the psychology behind the friends-to-lovers dynamic.
Rosie said that she loves Alex like a sister loves a brother, and a friend loves a friend — but of course, she lied. She’s been in love with her best friend since high school. It’s fairly realistic to assume that two people will fall in love if they are equally attractive, within proximity and are strongly familiar with each other. This is what makes these kinds of films timeless. They’re logical. They’re arguably predictable, but also seem to push the right buttons. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are just the tip of the iceberg. A lot of common folks end up with people they’ve known a long time, such as childhood friends and high school sweethearts.
Before crossing the bridge, a question must first be answered: How do friendships start? Research shows that the answer is proximity. People make friends with people who they have regular contact with, may it be through school, neighborhood, or mutual social circles. Multiple interactions through various occasions create an opportunity for people to form unique impressions. The best part is that the longer a person knows someone, the more attractive they appear to them. Dr. Robert Zanjok labels this phenomenon as the mere-exposure theory. Humans tend to draw themselves to the familiar. This explains the popular “I thought you were a bitch” confession among friends. Initial perception alters through time — for the good or the bad.
Eventually, friends learn to read moods and find certain similarities. They become each other’s strongboxes for secrets, archivists for everyday grievances, and occasional unlicensed shrinks to unload emotional burdens on. Friends get familiar with each other’s bad days as much as the good ones. It may not seem like it, but a strong builder of friendship — after proximity — are life troubles. An abundance of them. Two people are not truly best friends until they smash their walls and fearlessly become vulnerable to each other. This is how intimate connections are born. A strong friendship is one that is raw as a snorty laugh, unfiltered like an ugly selfie exchange, and spiritual like the telepathic humor from across the room.
According to Dawson McAllister, friendship is the start of a real romance. If someone doesn’t make a good friend to you, then it is likely that they don’t make an ideal romantic partner either. Friendships shed a light on shared interests, values, and other important components of a relationship. Dating expert Matthew Hussey said that a friendship allows people to see through one’s character before their judgment is blurred by sexual intentions.
So, what are signals that suggest romantic attraction? Observation and assessment are keys. Hints of jealousy, subtle flirtatious marks, and unusual lovey-dovey gestures hint romantic interest. They help test the water. The first step to figuring out if someone makes a potential mate is by flirting — their response towards it will likely indicate a signal. However, staying lowkey can only go so far. The elephant in the room should eventually be addressed. Many important values constitute a friendship, and honesty is one of them. Just say it. There’s no need for fancy aerobics. It is not easy to come clean and the transition will start awkward, but only time can really tell if it’s written in the stars.
However, crossing the bridge is not for everyone. It comes with a lot of risks that could potentially jeopardize a lifelong friendship. If friends decide to leap, then they must also be prepared for the fall — and lose everything in case the situation goes south. The chemistry between friends is not the same as with couples. It is unfortunately easily confused. According to life coach Joanna Townsead, the biggest struggle of dating a friend is “falsely feeling a sense of safety, comfort, and security” and attributing these factors as relationship-potential. Some people are simply better off friends than lovers. For example, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.
Religiously platonic bonds are possible. Regular exposure does not guarantee that two people will fall in love. We interact with tens to hundreds of people every day and don’t catch feelings, but sometimes change is in the wind and they become carnal. This is common between two people who are within each other’s leagues. Research shows that people’s standards for a mate are weighted according to the probability of winning them over. These preferences are the strong makers or breakers of romance. It’s less about the chances and more about self-perception. As the famous movie quote goes, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” (The Perks Of Being A Wallflower). Summer (500 Days Of Summer)likely never showed interest in Tom because she found that her optimistic and outgoing self could do better than his introverted, daydreaming loser ass.
“People weigh a potential partner’s attractiveness against the likelihood of success with that person. If you think you are particularly unattractive (even if you are not), you likely will seek partners that are fairly unattractive (that is, unattractive in physical appearance or in behavior).” — Lumin
In a more extreme sense, if you come across Brad Pitt on the street and he asks for directions, you’d probably want a picture or an autograph before he leaves. I doubt you would even dare to ask for his number or invite him over for coffee. However, if you were someone from his circle like Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie, then you could easily go chummy with him. In a nutshell, the romance depends on the circumstance.
As convenient as they initially sound, the friends-to-lovers dynamic is not for everyone. Just because people click, does not immediately mean that they should date. Romance is not only measured in proximity and familiarity. There are other important factors to take into account, such as preference, romantic chemistry, and self-perception. More than the fact that the world is full of couples like Harry and Sally, I also know now that the transition it takes to get there comes with an emotional rollercoaster. It’s like playing bingo. A couple of strikes on some numbers does not easily guarantee a winning card.
In the end, our friends are the ones we’re most comfortable with. They sometimes know us more than our families ever did or ever will. In Alex’s wedding, Rosie said to him, “Your friendship has brought glorious technicolor to my life; it’s been there even in the darkest of times and I am the luckiest person alive for that gift.” Our best friends always, honestly, truly, completely love us no matter what — and we feel just the same for them! They’re the third-best person on Earth, after Beyoncé and Rihanna. So, it makes a lot of perfect sense that the sweetest love stories are the ones that bud out of friendships.
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sources:
Attraction & Love. Lumen Learning, n.d.
DiDonato, Theresa. How Can You Tell When You Should Just Be Friends. Psychology Today, 2015
Emery, Lea. Is Dating A Friend A Good Idea? 5 Things To Know Before You Do It. Bustle, 2018
Lemay, Patrick & Wolf, Noah. Projection of Romantic and Sexual Desire in Opposite-Sex Friendships: How Wishful Thinking Creates a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. Sage Journals, 2016
Patrick, Wendy. From Friendship To Courtship: How Friends Fall In Love. Psychology Today, 2017
Petter, Olivia. Why Dating A Friend Could Be The Secret To True Love. Independent, 2019
